Here I am, once again. Uncertainty filling my troubled mind. He has been silent, gone from me again. I am unsure how I should deal with this change in events. Should I rage? Should I languish in silence and lament what is once again gone from me. My home, in its secluded glen, isn't enough anymore. Thoughts of destroying it have come and gone. There is nothing left for me here. The thought that I should abandon it and find my self a more remote haven from them all, has been a nightly consideration.

They are all gone from me and what remains is despair, anger and yes my usual bitterness. I have fought these things, but there they are again, confronting me. I want to sleep. Maybe after a century I will reawaken and things will have changed. I have yet to do this like so many of our kind have. With nothing left, I don't see why I shouldn't. I am ever weary. 

Yes, I think I shall sleep. 

It is time. 

After all is said and done, after everything is in order. I will find myself a sanctuary from this so called life. I will slumber. Be forgotten as it should be. I was not meant for this world. Or to be part of their lives. I am stuck, set in my own ways, if you will. 

Avicus, if you find this. Do not despair. Do not become angry with me. Understand it. Though I have my doubts that you will see this. 

To sleep...perhance to dream....

I found this on Louis' journal, I was naturally curious. So I took the test, and these are the results.


Your ideal lover is Marius de Romanus. Strong,
wise, stoic, yet sensitive, he is a lover of
all the finer things in life - including great
art and literature. He is one of the
ancients, and has seen more time than most
humans have a concept of. He will be loyal
and caring, though may act jealous of your own
needs.


Which major Anne Rice vampire is your ideal companion? (Novels)
brought to you by Quizilla


Curious, what will Marius think of it? Or Avicus for that matter.

My mind has wandered to the very brink of desolation and back again. When he leaves for his nightly sojourn, where I do not know, I begin to worry. My boundless imagination seems to be playing the part of the demon that stokes the fires of my anger and fear. He has no reason to leave me, not even for her. Here, we three make this our home. Here it seems as if we are a family united. But there is always suspicion. Always in the dark part of my mind that fears he will again take flight and she will be the cause of it. He left me once, why not again?

Centuries old insecurities rise and take the place of calm clear thought. My misery, my contempt and bitterness were not enough to see me to slumber. Perhaps my troubled mind will be the cause of it. I am weary, ancient and tired. The sleep we take refuge in does not seem to diminish this feeling, we awake with the same demons before our very eyes fixed and ready to taunt us. Clearly as if it were last week or last year, I remember when Marius chose to sleep, after the destruction of his beloved Rome, nothing could make him rise. I was in agony, I had tried to right the wrongs between us; still he slept. I take no responsibility for it, not completely.

The hatred of those among us, I do not feel. And I know there are some who think that perhaps I should have been destroyed when I gave my existence to a sun that couldn’t destroy my immortal soul. They would deny it, why admit to wanting another’s destruction?

That soul is what clings to this hard body. And also my fear. I saw in that Veil a realization, my world was gone, my faith had long ago died out. In truth it was the night I was taken to that distant grove to become a God, when I looked for the first time at my maker. When we took flight I knew the mortal world held in it no truth for me or him. Nevertheless, when I saw Marius again old hatred, old anger sprung to life within me and I wanted to make him suffer. I saw his hate of me and his fascination of Avicus. He wanted to take him from me I knew it. He can deny it, but I know differently. I was the monster that stole him from all that he knew and loved. Deny me, he tried. Instead I found a semblance of understanding from him that I thought I would never experience. Now, even though I know he cannot find it in him to hate me, on some level he won’t let himself see his hatred, yet he does.

I think, in some way, I am trying to push him from me. To ease the suffering I may feel before anger and resentment once more claim my heart. I wound myself, and as I do this he will see it on my face. I have never been able to hide anything from him; I would reveal all of it. He will be patient and kind, listening to me rant as if I were mad. Then in his gentle tome he will speak with me, ask me questions and try to ascertain the reason for my relapse. And once more, he will see my sorrow and shame. I do not mean to torment him with my careless words. He knows that, I need not repeat it. But, undoubtedly I will.

Lies and confusion. Yes I am happy with Jessica here, who wouldn’t be? Down, in the dark places of my mind I hear the screaming of my torment, clawing and desperate to be released. I am becoming unsettled as each night passes; in truth I am becoming weary of it all.
He is never home anymore. I almost feel as if this endeavor to be together has all been for not. His room lay empty, his desk undisturbed. But she remains I hear her soft steps and laughter. Never for very long. Have I been left again for that child? I’m tired of everything. All of it is pointless and hollow. His absence and silence tell me more than any spoken words could. I know the truth of it now; I understand it, more so than I had before.
Let the dead rest.
And what is to come and take the place of this solitude, this unspoken harmony with my surroundings?
Anger again.
Bitterness again.
Will I revert back into the creature that hated everything and felt so completely detached from this world? I didn’t hate everything, just someone. Not long ago I wondered what kept myself and those like me awake and rising each night. I thought I knew that answer. It left me and I remain as I always am, looking at the world through eyes that died so long ago, they barely function.
Now I cannot look at her without seeing pity in her eyes. No, I do not feel hate for her or anyone, only myself.
The sun wasn’t powerful enough to take me. The blood refused to loosen its hold upon me. What is left? I’m not surprised by these thoughts, they have been bubbling toward the surface for many months now. Vainly I tried to banish them with little success. I doubt that I will ever be free of these thoughts.

The nights seem to be slowing down, not passing as quickly. And just when I settle into that slow pattern, they fly by so quickly that I am left staggering to keep up. My nights are filled with Jesse and Avicus, our home is full of laughter. Age old bitterness is gone having been replaced by silent understanding and reflection. I don’t know why I did it, this time I went to her site and read what she had to say. I will never be allowed to forget that night, not that I have tried. I can only imagine the pain it would have caused him had I actually given in to my lusty anger.
As soon as I think we are past all such things, he comes to me and speaks of torment. Neither of us can change the past. I cannot return to Constantinople and kill her to keep him with me. It would have had a horrible effect on him as he was enamored with her from the moment he set his dark eyes upon hers. I want to feel as though this time from him was part of a destiny, perhaps not destiny but more fate. I needed to roam and be alone; it was to teach me a lesson. Only in my loneliness did I truthfully understand what it meant to be alone. I had the chance to grow and change and change I did. But not for the better.
The past is gone Avicus, only our memories remain. Let them go as I am trying to do. They do neither of us any good.

Jessica has again drifted back into my life, I feel whole once more. Two of the most important beings in my life will soon be by my side. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I cannot say for sure how much Avicus and Zenobia will like this, but I cannot let her go off again without having some of her time.

I’m of the opinion that her coming to our home in Jamaica will be met with opposition. I hope that is not so. Avicus will adore her as Zenobia will; I have no doubt of it. I haven’t spoken to him on the matter, I wait and he is absent. This perhaps is my punishment for leaving them both for a month to clear my head of my own ridiculous thoughts.

Avicus, wherever you are we need to speak, soon.

What in this world drives us from our tombs at dusk? We are not mortal, we do not have jobs to scurry off to nor do we have tender ones depending on us to survive in this strange world of fact and fiction. So what is it that makes us want to rise at night, to see the world around us? Blood? Blood is the root of all living things; the circle of balance was fractured the night our line was created. For us it is a lust even the ancients cannot seem to get away from though they do well to hide it from all of us. But if after two millennia my hunger has diminished little, how can theirs be gone after six thousand years?

Since the core of this being now resides in Mekare; I must wonder what it is like to carry around that spirits savage hunger, because it was that same savage hunger that created us an accident brought about my kind. I should be dead, dead and buried right along side those in life I loved. Now they are nothing more than stone etchings in caves man has never seen since man put them there. Buried under France never to be seen.

I never realized how foolish I was until I sought the Dark Blood from Avicus. Not until the night he bestowed what I sought did I understand the ramifications of becoming a Blood Drinker. And even as I felt haunted by Marius whom I loved in life and feared in death, he studied me. Perhaps I was his only way out of the grove. I knew fear, but not from Avicus and all of his anger. I loved him instantly, as I suspect happens to all fledglings when it comes to their makers. Even if some would deny that fact to the point of pain for their maker and themselves. Pity. My fear was that he would be forever locked inside the prison that the Oak had become. No hymn or heart felt prayer could make me turn to the grove to my people. My desire was to remain with my maker and leave that place with him. And I did.

The nights are too quiet here. And as much as I enjoy it, I’ve grown used to company his company. I want him here already, yes Zenobia as well. As fond of her as I am beginning to become, Avicus will always have the larger part of my soul.

Things keep moving steadily as the preparations for our home located in the mountains above Kingston. Jamaica is everything that I expected it to be. Warm and lush full of life from plant to mortal. The waters surrounding the island are too tempting to stay away from and I find myself there often. I could live out countless lifetimes here. Our home is nothing short of beautiful. The garden in the back is being filled with many plants native to warm climates such as this one. My passion for growing things hasn’t diminished with time and when I can find solace nurturing a living thing it brings me peace.

My only hope is that Avicus can be at peace here. Our talks as of late have given way to more candid admissions that I would ever be with anyone else, including my beautiful Jessica. How he steals the very breath from my body and sets my heart to pound like thousands of drums, the sound certainly reaches his ears. When I would see him each night I ache to be closer to him, which gives way to feelings that I had not let rise to the surface for many thousands of years. I love him, for all the chaos, as he put it to me once, that comes when I see him because my mind surely mists over and all I can do is see or think of him. I have never been happier than I am now, moreover because he cannot hear my thoughts; if he did he would know the root of my desire and longing.

For now I spend my time preparing our new home for Avicus and Zenobia, it's my hope beyond hopes that they come to love this place as I have in the few weeks that I have been here.